Tips for Adoptive Parents: Answering Awkward and Inappropriate Questions

Tips for Adoptive Parents: Answering Awkward and Inappropriate Questions

Adopting a child is a rewarding experience, but it also comes with certain challenges. One of these is explaining the process to friends and family members. You may find that the people in your life have certain misconceptions about adoption. They may ask questions that seem strange or even offensive. Try to have patience and give people the benefit of the doubt. In most cases, they simply need some time and guidance to better understand your situation. Here are some tips to help you educate your friends and family about adoption. 

Talk to People You're Closest to First

If you're still in the planning stages of adopting, be selective about whom you confide in. It's best to start with people whose support and understanding you can count on. At the same time, you can't always be sure how others will react to your decision to adopt. Even people you think you know very well may have responses that surprise you and not always in a positive way. Sometimes it's best to keep your own counsel until you're truly ready to converse with someone.  

Advice is Not Always Welcome

It's fairly common for people to offer all kinds of unsolicited advice to new parents. You may notice that your friends and family are even more free with their advice when you're an adoptive family. They may think you're less prepared than other parents to handle parenting. If you're genuinely asking someone for advice, that's one thing. However, if people are giving you unwanted tips on feeding, teaching, or disciplining your child, let them know that you have your own parenting style and don't need their input. 

Expect Incorrect and Insensitive Comments

People who aren't familiar with adoption often make comments that seem strange or insensitive. For example, people may refer to the child's "real" mother or parents. Gently correct such comments but don't let them bother you. For example, if someone introduces you as an "adoptive" parent or your child as an "adopted" child, tell them in no uncertain terms that you're simply parent and child, period, and that it's not appropriate to qualify this in any way.

If you've adopted a child of another ethnicity or race, people may express doubts or disapproval. The same is true if you're a single parent or an LGBT couple. The important thing to keep in mind is that other people's opinions are ultimately not your concern. In most cases, even stubborn people will gradually embrace your decision and come to see the child as yours. If some people can't accept it, there's nothing you can do about it. 

You're Not Obligated to Answer Every Question

Some questions are rude or insensitive. Others are really beyond the scope of what you're obligated to discuss. For example, if someone asks, "Why did the mother give up this beautiful child?" you're really not in a position to answer. You can respond, as nicely as possible, "You'd really have to ask her." Just make it clear that you're now the child's parents and anything that happened before is not relevant. If someone asks, "Why didn't you have your own children?" or "Why did you adopt a child who..." you don't have to answer unless you really want to. 

Adopted Children May Need Extra Space

Sometimes well-meaning friends and family members may get a little over-enthusiastic about embracing your adopted child, either literally or figuratively. The child may need time to adjust before he or she wants to be cuddled, make friends with other neighborhood children, or participate in group activities. It's important to set appropriate boundaries to give your child the time and space he or she needs. Make it clear that people should never assume anything and always ask permission before making plans, bringing over their own kids, or making physical contact with your child. 

When you're an adoptive parent, you need to educate your friends and family as well as yourself. It's a learning process for everyone. Try to show patience and understanding with people. At the same time, maintain your boundaries and don't hesitate to correct people who make questions or comments that are inappropriate. 

Jocelyn Aleiadih, LCSW

www.yourlifepathcenter.com