Conflict Resolution: Good Habits During Negotiations

When it comes to conflicts, there's a lot you can do to prepare beforehand and there's a lot to consider and reflect on afterwards, but the most difficult part is often sticking to a plan during the heat of the moment. It's easy to be sidetracked, which is why you should consider the following tips for building good negotiating habits.

Focus on Listening

Though it's often mentioned, it bears repeating that you should place a focus on listening over talking. Don't just constantly think about the next part of your argument and how you're right, try to get a handle on what the other side is thinking and feeling. That information can lead to a surprisingly fast and amicable resolution, but not necessarily in the way that you might expect.

On the one hand, keen listening provides you with opportunities to respond to specific grievances and concerns that you might not otherwise have noticed. Underlying causes can bleed through to the surface here and there in their arguments. Identifying and addressing those can end the conflict without any need for the rest of your argument. They might not care about the current argument itself nearly as much as one of the exacerbating factors.

On the other and more subtle hand, there's also the psychological response to good listeners. Even if you aren't gaining anything directly from listening, the other side will likely respond positively to the effort. In this way, it can sometimes be more effective to present the appearance of attentiveness than to actually be attentive. Of course, the best way to give the appearance of being a good listener is to actually be a good listener, otherwise, it can all backfire if you happen to get tested.

Maintain Your Composure

A passionate response can feel like the most natural thing in the world and sometimes it can even be the best choice, but it's generally better to maintain your composure. Instead of responding to provocations in kind, address them as any other argument. Be mindful of the other party's tone and attitude, especially when it comes to why they're so incensed, but don't let them dictate the overall atmosphere. It takes two to create a pointless shouting match.

However, it's equally important to recognize that calmly and logically addressing their arguments isn't your only option. If they're not there in good faith and trying to work towards a solution, then the best answer may be to not engage at all. Perhaps it's simply a bad time for them and any further arguments will only further entrench positions. Perhaps this is the only way they know how to argue and any attempts at negotiation are doomed until they change their perspective, an entirely different issue that may not be resolved purely by emphasizing calmness.

Furthermore, there are certain dangers of misinterpretation that come with maintaining composure. Regardless of whether it's justified or not, if you come across as mocking them, then that can set things back substantially. The key lies in engaging them as equals and never acting like you're superior. A facade of calmness combined with an aura of superiority is one of the single fastest ways to ensure that a conflict never gets resolved. Thus, it's in your best interests to maintain your composure while also focusing on listening to the other party in order to show that you are actually paying attention to what they're saying. It may even lead to them getting a little embarrassed at their own aggression and calming down to your level.

Work Together

Many people see conflicts as contests that are to be won, but they don't necessarily connect that with a concrete idea of what winning means. It isn't about who speaks the loudest, who presents the best arguments, or who is the last one standing, it's about who gets what they want. Critically, this means that both sides can win by working together.

This can seem rather impossible at the beginning of an argument or during a heated climax, but you should always entertain the possibility of cooperation and discussion. If you're both properly conveying your desires and fears, then you stand the best possible chance of reaching a solution that pleases everyone. On a broader level, this means building a positive relationship of respect with the other side, making negotiations in the future easier. If you try to strong-arm them instead and win through force of will, then that may yield immediate results, but it can also sour future prospects.

Of course, it's important to understand what exactly working together entails. It's not strictly limited to calmly sitting around a table and talking about your feelings. It can get heated and loud and still fall under working together. Ultimately, it's more about your mentality and a desire for both sides to get what that want than the appearance of the dispute. As long as you keep a principle of cooperation in mind, a more heated approach can even lead to the venting of frustrations and a better chance of success down the line.

Stay on Track

During a heated conflict, it's easy to go off track on tangents. Arguments can shift quickly and even a single minor comment can lead to an entirely new battlefield opening up, where the original issue is but a footnote. However, these distractions can often lead to both parties getting frustrated and nobody getting what they want. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that you stay on track.

From time to time, take a mental check and make sure that you're still actually talking about the argument that matters. It's alright if the conversation steers into related topics, but try to make sure it's always connected and that it doesn't veer further and further away. Of course, if a new topic arises that you consider more important, then focus on that.

For some, it's easiest to physically write down the list of points that you want to discuss. This can prevent too much wandering and can make sure that you get to touch on everything that matters. Obviously, you can memorize such points and just keep them in mind during the actual discussion, but there's no shame in bringing some actual bullet points or notes to the conversation. Checking from time to time won't make you look foolish, but rather prepared and invested in finding a solution.

Don't Get Complacent

Even if you do apply these strategies correctly, that doesn't guarantee success. Moreover, baseless confidence can mitigate all of your hard-fought advantages. Therefore, it's necessary that you keep these tips in mind, but also make sure to prepare a compelling argument and handle the conflict appropriately.

Jocelyn Farrar